My cousin and I have been occasionally writing stories using the boards we create with our words with friends games. This is a story written in the style of “the onion” (which won’t take my unsolicited manuscript according to their website…..such a bummer). If you want to try it and have your story posted, send it to me. I’m happy to take unsolicited work.
Here are the words and the story follows:
An, Azine, Dazed, Ne, Oi, Crumby, Glum, Creel, Ego, Club, Bedded, Hardies, Hi, Meta, Ayin, Tag, Ti, An, Aa, Poots, Fools, Ska, Haven, Retro, Pox, To, Tort, Sox, Er, Sees, Heth, Haji, Wife, El, Liven, Hip, Qis, Quit, Sup, Ahi, Wet, She, aw
Study Shows that Poots End More Marriages Than Originally Thought
While many relationships may survive smelly sox, the crumby mess left by cracker eating spouses, and the wet spot, it has been determined by an international study of marriage that an abundance of poots may serve to end more than 50% of marriages. The study, conducted by El Ne, an internationally acclaimed group of marital scientists, updated earlier statistics that said a mere 30% of marriages ended due to excessive pooting.
Said one wife, “my house smelled like the old creel my pa used for carrying his ahi home. I couldn’t take it no more. And it was even worse when he bedded me!” she continued, “he thinks he fools me with his moans but I heard the poots and smelled them even more.”
El Ne scientists studying the chemical nature of poots have determined that they are a meta-azine compound that often leaves the nearby non-pooter dazed and unable to focus. One local Retro-Ska Club had to be closed down after a group of men who were celebrating a bachelor party arrived from a nearby chili feed. Health department officials called to the scene put a red tag on the club until further notice. When asked for comment the men had no understanding of the problem they’d caused and continued with the alphabet drinking game they were playing. “Give me an ayin…AYIN…give me a heth…HETH.” This writer does not have high hopes for the longevity of the groom’s marriage.
According to statistics provided, it is not always the man who brings this pox to the marriage. Occasionally, and only very occasionally, it is the woman. Because the female ego does not seem to celebrate the poot in the same way that the male ego does, this information was more difficult to obtain. Said one husband who asked to remain anonymous, “Er, my home was meant to be a haven, but I had to quit it. Oi. I love my wife but I couldn’t bear to sup with her even. I was forced to become a Haji so my wife wouldn’t know the real reason I stayed away so long.” This sort of glum response was common among men. All of the men interviewed were among the 50% who remained in their marriages, trying anything, including wrapping their wives hips in ti leaves to muffle the smell.
Scientists studying the problem have determined that meditation can mitigate the issue to a degree. Managing qis through meditation will liven the digestive system and eliminate much of the ‘over’ pooting. This allows for an ‘aa’ reaction rather than the typical ‘aw-wwwwww’ that leads to marital demise.
Due to the frequent incidence of these marriages ending in civil court, many jurisdictions have enacted tort law to handle their disposition. While the occurrence of pooting seems to be unintentional, some spouses are accusing their partners of negligent acts resulting from ingestion of inappropriate foods. “Hi,” said one anonymous wronged woman, “he was downstairs in his basement building something and I could hear the hardies hit the anvil. Then there was an explosion that shook the house. I went downstairs to see to things and was knocked clean out by the smell. When I came to he was standing over me smiling like he’d just accomplished a great act. He was proud and I know’d he’d eaten those beans again. I just cain’t take it anymore and I need out of this marriage.”
While the seriousness of this situation is undeniable, many court clerks are struggling to remain calm. Particularly the male clerks, which only exacerbates the situation.